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Post by Mommar on Oct 31, 2001 0:24:04 GMT -5
and in my opinion a very bad one. I'll just give some background on it first. I came up with the Guntabo character the summer before my Junior year of high school. My brother and I were both just screwing around , he was playing video games and I was watching him (which is what I usually did.) Anyway, I became bored and started playing around with these little Katana letter opener things my dad had bought my brother and I. I was messing around with them for awhile when I rlaized they were the perfect size for the Quasimodo puppet we'd got from Burger King (remember those guys?) Anyway, I had one of the swords in his hands and I decided to go get some rubberbands and tie all of the sheaths to the doll. Is was sitting there messing around with it when I realized I still had some old felt from my seventh grade Home Economics class (I took it because I like to cook... not because I'm gay, but I do have another story about that I could share sometime.) Anyway, I went and cut out enough of a slit so that I could see the eyes of the doll and I proceeded to tie it around his head but the nose on the Quasimodo doll was so large it basically didn't cover up too much, which was comical in itself. I decided I had to name the thing and Guntabo came to mind almost immediately. That was the birth of the character, which was originally going to be some sort of video game character (which I would still love to do once I'm out of college.) Later on, during school that year, I was in a creative writing class and I had to come up with a story for the Literary Magazine and this lump of whatever you want to call it came to being. It was originally supposed to be a childrens story, but my mind is far too dirty to pull that off so what followed were cleverly (or not so as it turns out) hidden sexual innuendo's... plus, I was trying to be funny so a cute girl in the class would notice me... didn't work. LOL I actually thought this was comic genious when I first wrote it... ah to be young and STUPID again ha ha ha!!!! So here's the story... adultered as hell, because I don't want it to come off sounding as horrible as it did those few years ago. Here's hoping I guess. LOL (Sorry about the length of this post... and forgive the typos, I dont use word processors with spell checks or anything, they're for wusses. Ha ha ha!!!) It's in the reply to this post, by the way (stupid post limits.)
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Post by Mommar on Oct 31, 2001 0:27:23 GMT -5
Guntabo: The Hunchback Ninja
"Tweet, chirp, chirp, tweet."
The police commissioner strides into his well lit office and finds a tall, lean man standing at his
window. The Commissioner immediately recognizes the man.
"Captain Jawarski." The Commissioner says.
"Yes sir?" Jawarskis' mid-bass voice returns.
"Quit chirping, you're not a bird."
"Ahh..yes sir, just keep telling me that."
The Commissioner sighs, "I do keep telling you. Everyday for the past nine years I've told you."
Jawarski smiles, "I'm bound to learn someday. By the way, Raybert, what is..." But the
Commissioner cuts Jawarski short.
"I told you never to call me by my first name!" The Commissioner bellows.
Jawarski stiffles a laugh, "Yes sir. Anyway Rayb.. ah, Commissioner, what are we going to do
about that bizzare kidnapping of the extremely beautiful and wealthy actress that has the whole department
baffled to the point where we are going to have to call in outside help?"
"Hum. I don't know, let me think about it." The Commissioner stands in the suns mid-morning
warmth for a moment. And then another moment.
"Commissioner!" Jawarski howls.
"Oh sorry, we were discussing what to do about the kidnapping case."
Jawarskis' face turns bright red. "That was fifteen minutes ago!"
"I got it! Let's call in outside help." The Commissioner exclaims as he reaches across his neatly
organized, oak desk and taps a small red button.
"Oh no sir, please not him." Jawarski pleads.
"Come now, what is so wrong with Guntabo?"
"He is an idiot for one thing! And I swear that freak is cursed."
The Commissioner raises his eyebrows, "Cursed, I hardly think he's cursed."
"Everytime he comes around I end up with some sort of cut or bruise. My pelvis still hurts from
the time Guntabo 'magically' let the wild badger loose" Jawarski retorts.
The Commissioners' office door swings open and a four-foot tall man struts in. The strange fellow,
clad in loose-fitting brown pants, a green tunic, and a white mask that did little to hide any features due to
an abnormally large nose which held the mask too far apart to do any good, adjusted his sword as he
entered. The rest of his body was adorned with weapons of every sort. His final feature was the small hump
that protruded from his back and twisted his head to the side and out.
"Guntabo greets Captian Jawa." And gives a small bow. "Guntabo thinks that is very good movie.
Did ever get paid for use of your name?"
"That's Jawarski you ignorant bovine, not Jawa." With that Jawarski flees through the door.
Guntabo begins to feel around on his body. "Where Guntabos' caltrops go?"
Mere seconds later Jawarskis' scream echoes into the office, "God damn, my feet!!!!!" Followed by
the loud raukus of an entire police precinct laughing in unison.
"Guntabo," The Commissioner begins, "I have a job for you."
Guntabo stomps his foot, "Not again, Guntabos' mouth is still sore from last..."
"No Guntabo, a different job." The Commissioner says raising his hand.
Guntabo persists in talking. "Guntabo did think that paint really brought out color in your..."
"Guntabo!" The Commissioner shrieks. Guntabo backs away.
The Commissioner regains control, "Guntabo, I want you to search for that missing actress, the
one with the really nice...." The Commissioner trails off and begins drooling.
Guntabo waves his hand in front of the Commissioners eyes but fails to bring him around."
Guntabo ponders what the Commissioner began telling him. "The actress with the really nice.... Hum? It's
going to take alot to figure this out."
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Post by Mommar on Oct 31, 2001 0:27:56 GMT -5
Guntabo races towards the window and leaps with all of his might. Tiny splinters of glass shine
bright in the late morning sun as Guntabo lands with a large thud.
The Commissioner screams from atop the building, "For Christ' sakes, open the window first!!!!"
"Sorry," Guntabo bellows back.
Just then a man with long, black hair approaches and calls Guntabo over. Guntabo pulls himself
from the knee-deep crater he created and limps over towards the man. Guntabo noticed that the stranger
had a very light complexion.
Guntabo thinks, "He is quite handsome. Wait, no!" Guntabo quickly slaps himself.
"Hello Guntabo." The stranger politely says. "So you're the one sent to hunt down that actress?"
"How you know?"
"I saw it on the news twenty minutes ago."
"But the conversation was only five minutes ago." Guntabo says with a bewildered look.
"Oh, did I say the news? I meant to say... Wheel of Fortune."
Nodding head, "Okay, that make more sense to Guntabo."
"Uh, right Guntabo." The stranger rolls his eyes. "Anyway, my name is Johnson, Bigger Johnson.
I'm here to help you find the culprit."
Guntabo smiles happily and thanks Bigger.
"Guntabo, I am going to have to tell you something."
"What is it?" Guntabo asks with a look of surprise.
"I am the one who stole your beloved actress." Bigger proudly states.
"Hey, you man I suppose to find. Why you tell me."
"Well Guntabo, this is a short story and if I had left it up to you it wouldn't be 'short' anymore,
not to mention boring."
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Post by Mommar on Oct 31, 2001 0:29:22 GMT -5
"Why you commit such acts?" Guntabo asks.
"Why, you ask me? WHY?" Bigger demands.
Guntabo replies with a stutter, "Uh, yes."
"Well I suppose I will tell you then."
Guntabo sighs, "Another back story.... stupid English continuity."
"It all started when I was just a little boy off on the moon some place..."
Guntabo interrupts, "The moon?"
"Quiet you, SOMEBODY wanted backstory or else this wouldn't be legitimate literature."
Guntabo snickers.
"Anyway, when I was little I asked for a G.I. Mervin action plasticized guy for Christmas. I got a Barbie instead."
"Right, that sucks when present isn't right." Guntabo replies.
"No, I LOVED it. She came with a little hat and a purse and shoes. Oh lord, the pink pumps!!!!! I used to walk her around all day long, naked, because I could. She'd drive her little Corvette, naked, and take walks to the park, naked, and go spelunking... well, she'd wear boots then because it's hard to climb on them rocks and stuff barefoot you know."
"Right." Guntabo agrees.
"But the rest of the time, she was naked. But one day I came home from moon school, which is the school you go to when you're from the moon, and she was gone. I asked my mom what happened to her but she said she didn't know, but she thought it was because Barbie wasn't happy walking around naked for a man all the time... isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?"
"Makes more sense then rest of story." Guntabo sighs.
"And after that, I just needed to find something to have naked around me all the time. The next Christmas I got a G.I. Mervin doll, but it just wasn't the same with all the penis and such. And that's when I dedicated my life to get as much money as possible and use it to get women to go spelunking with me."
"Nude," Guntabo interjects.
"Well, she IS wearing boots." Bigger retorts.
"Hmm, nice... we fight now?"
Bigger backs away. "No, I only fight at twelve noon."
Guntabo and Bigger stand and stare at each other for five minutes. Then Guntabo asks. "Well, it ten-thirty now and Guntabo starved. You want brunch or something?"
"Yes." Bigger gaily replies, "But your paying."
Guntabo and Bigger step out of Le Lapin Violet at eleven-fifty-eight and walk into a construction area next door.
"Now Guntabo," Bigger starts, "we fight!"
Guntabo unsheaths his katana, the noon sun shining brightly off the razor sharp edge. Guntabo strikes with a low blow, then a high. The sword dances through the air as Guntabo whirls it to and fro.
"Guntabo," Bigger slowly says. "stop hitting that pole and attack me."
Guntabo looks up. "Hey, you mock Guntabos' fighting methods! Guntabo will..." but before he can finish speaking Guntabo, in a move as brilliant as a bag of hammers, beats himself across the face with his own hilt.
"And was, amazingly, not moving at the time," Bigger narrates.
With a burst of speed that would rival a dumptruck going uphill in reverse, Guntabo strikes with a reverse punch. Of course Bigger side steps and blocks with lightning speed and proceeds to hammerfirst Guntabo on the head. Guntabo becomes enraged and begins flexing his muscles like the Incredible Hulk. Bigger laughs, then kicks Guntabo in the teeth.
"You obnoxious dip, give up." Bigger chuckles.
"Guntabo never give up!" He screams back, then throws a vase.
Bigger ducks . "Where did you find a vase? This is a construction site, you twit, there's no vases here."
Guntabo takes the moment Bigger is startled and twists around for a spinning-hook kick. Guntabo completes the kick and finds Bigger relaxing in a lawn chair with a cup of coffee.
"How you get chair and coffee?"
"Are you kidding?" Bigger asks. "That kick took you twenty-five minutes to execute."
"Huh, Guntabo need work on that kick."
"Among other things," Bigger replies as he takes another sip of his coffee. Guntabo begins to feel a bit awkward staring at Bigger and his coffee and starts to look around. After six minutes of waiting Guntabo becomes anxious for the fight and pounds Bigger, like dog on fire, with a two-by-four.
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Post by Mommar on Oct 31, 2001 0:30:13 GMT -5
Guntabo triumphantly kicks open the doors to Police Headquarters to reveal his trophy, a blood-soaked half-dead man.
Captain Jawarski scurries over to Guntabo. "What the fuck is that?"
"This is Bigger Johnson." Guntabo smiles wide.
"What innocent bystander did you thump this time?"
"No," Guntabo retorts. "he is real guy we look for."
"So where's the girl?" Jawarski sarcastically asks.
Guntabos' jaw drops. "Ask questions then knockout, ask questions then knockout. Guntabo tries so hard but can never remember."
Jawarski kneels next to the unconscious lump of crimson and digs around for a wallet.
"Ah ha! We have his address, now we can get the girl."
Guntabo and Captain Jawarski climb the marble steps to the front door of Biggers' house. The massive house gave evidence that Bigger was quite wealthy, "a pron star... or something like that" Guntabo recalls to himself. Guntabo wondered what kind of a movie someone with a name like Bigger Johnson would be in, he had never seen him in any movies before. They reached the solid wood door at the apex of the stairs. Guntabo ran ahead to try and bash the door down.
"Guntabo wai..." Jawarskis' warning came too late and Guntabo smashed the door in.
"Guntabo, I have his keys." Jawarski sighs.
"Oopsie." Guntabo replies. Guntabo then rushes into the mansion and emerges minutes later with the lovely actress.
Jawarskis' eyes become wide. "Wow! It's an honor to meet you Ms. Torres."
"Please," she replies, "call me Clea."
Guntabo walks up from behind. "Clea Torres, Guntabo never hear of her either."
"And now," Clea says in a raspy voice, "let me thank my handsome rescuer."
Guntabo stands up proudly and awaits his reward. Clea, instead, grabs Captain Jawarski by the hand and rushes into his car. Jawarski flashes Guntabo a grin then pulls out of the driveway. Guntabo is dumbfounded, but he then thinks "No matter, Guntabo will just hit little red switch and blow bomb planted on Jabberwokys' car." Guntabo then hits a red switch and waits. A low beeping ehoes around Guntabo.
"Wait, what Guntabo hear?" He then peers down at his belt and spies the bomb that was meant for Jawarski.
Guntabo looks up with wide eyes. "Shit."
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Post by Ariela on Oct 31, 2001 22:06:47 GMT -5
lmao. Mo, you know why I'm lmao.  I love the story, and I'd love to see this in graphic-novel format. It really does remind me of The Tick.  |
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Post by luceluna on Nov 1, 2001 6:03:50 GMT -5
yup, we definately need a prose forum so we can read more crazy Mommar-esque stories ;D
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