San Diego

[joesnuff]

here's a first. sort of autobiographical, sort of fiction, sort of historical commentary, sort of late night travel channel show, poem haha!


SAN DIEGO

A youth among men
Who gives his time to luxury
Feels curious and meek
Like the serpentine wind
Wisping around his boulevard stroll
A nightly ritual

A pause, here, there
Moulten canopy sky

Gleanings in step with the nestling sun
Echoing streets of old furniture
Edifice and side shops he wanders by
History whispers in the deepest pockets
Accompanied creaks in a brazen sky

A clay statue stands
Conquistador gloats onwardly
Heels on mounted steed
Time must be cruel to him
Lifts a bag of bartered gold
His mighty tell-tale

Seeing is believing this intersection
Wood, cliffs, beach, and bold human fare
Some of us pride on this sod, who mellowshine
Sensory pleasures get the cheapest offers
A funny time spent about, till older life

Now pause, hear, share

[luceluna]

wow, Joe, such mastery and imagery!


A pause, here, there  
Moulten canopy sky ...




             Seeing is believing this intersection
             Wood, cliffs, beach, and bold human fare
             Some of us pride on this sod, who mellowshine
             Now pause,
                             hear,
                                         share


i love it! ;D

[joesnuff]

thanks luce. i like your edit of the last lines... it reminds me i should go back and smooth the poem over a couple of more times. that's a big problem for me. a little too much of the explanatory lines can really lose a reader's attention i've noticed. "show don't tell" is the ideal!


A springtide man  
Given time to luxury
Beats his feet curious, meek  
Like the serpentine wind
Wisping around him, boulevard stroll  
The nightly ritual

A pause, here, there  

Moulten canopy, radiation
Gleans in step with the nestling sun

Sultry echoes of old furniture
Edifice side shops he wanders by
History whispered urban overture
While seagulls creak in the brazen sky

Seeing is believing this intersection
Wood, cliff, beach, and bold human fare
Some of us pride on this sod, who mellowshine

Now pause, hear, share

[Poeticsiren]

Hey dears,

In my own humble opinion (what do i know, i'm a scientist, right dan hahahah) I think I prefer the first version Joe. When I first read it, I was taken by the imagery and lush description. You made it 'real' to me, and I felt like I was there by the words you used. That is what I love about your writing-it is rich and woven and colorful...like a medieval tapestry. I say describe away and paint as detailed as you like. It's whether you want to be impressionistic or modern in your word landscapes...I've always loved the detail.

La.  

[joesnuff]

thanks for the input , laurie. i really appreciate that.

i'll have to think about it, not sure still. for me the final test is to speak aloud the lines, and when i am fumbling over words or stuttering through a line its not good poetry. i find myself doing that a few times in the first version and that's what needed to be cleaned. i was trying to 'patternize' the first couple of stanzas with the next few, for structure, so you get A B C A C B+ sort of (good gpa). but the flow falls apart (imho) with jagged words.

if i can maintain the weavacious details, and preserve the substance then perhaps that is the happy medium?